What Sammy Sosa Means to Paul Hauss
Written by Paul Hauss - June 18, 2019
I am the academic research community's leading Sosalogist,
havingearned the world's only PHD in the study from Trump
University. I am a card-carrying member of the
Dominican-American Sosalist Party, founded by Starlin Castro
and Jorge Posada in an effort to establish a Union of Sammy
Sosalist Republics. I must consulta dermatologist every time
I might be exposed to the sun; this because of the permanant
skin damage that I have as a byproduct of my personal
experiments to identify the chemistry of Creme de Sosa.
I have done all of this because meaning of Sammy Sosa to me has nothing to do with fandom, but because all of my Sosalogical research supports the thesis upon which I founded Sammy Sosa's Playhouse — that all of civilization's most pressing questions have an answer that can be found through the examination of Sammy Sosa's career, in and out of baseball. Through the study of Sammy Sosa, the Playhouse discovered the meaning of racism. We predicted the result of the 2016 presedential election, which very few political experts were able to do because their methodology did not take Sammy Sosa into account. We are going to keep isolating ourselves in the year 1998 until Judas Iscariot the Bird has been avenged. Until that day comes, Sammy Sosa will continue teaching us new life lessons every day at The Playhouse.
The passage of time does not affect The Playhouse; we have never left the summer of '98. We believe that so long as we maintain a social media presence that serves to educate the masses on the great science of Sosaology, we can drag the rest of the internet back to the 90s with us.
Do not laugh, do not mistake our mission statement as one of innocent whimsy. We are devoted to turn the entire Internet into a GeoCities site. Soon enough, your precious Reddits and your Twitters and your BadDragons will pierce your eyes with an animated background that is the same color as Sammy Sosa's iconic sweater, then you will look down at yourself to see you are wearing that very same mustard yellow sweater. You will wonder how it got onto your person as you cannot remember putting it on, and that is the mark of victory for The Playhouse. Once we take over the internet in the name of Sammy Sosa, we will take over reality. The lines of the real and digital world will no longer be distinct. The digital world is represented by the PS1 classic, Sammy Sosa High Heat Baseball. Remeber the tagline - IT'S SO REEEEEAAAL! Sammy Sosa is so real, and when The Playhouse is done with its mission, Sammy Sosa will be the only reality. You will love Sammy. You will live by the word of Sammy. You will be Sammy. We will all be Sammy Sosa. Yes, the real Sammy Sosa, and this is his universe.
I have done all of this because meaning of Sammy Sosa to me has nothing to do with fandom, but because all of my Sosalogical research supports the thesis upon which I founded Sammy Sosa's Playhouse — that all of civilization's most pressing questions have an answer that can be found through the examination of Sammy Sosa's career, in and out of baseball. Through the study of Sammy Sosa, the Playhouse discovered the meaning of racism. We predicted the result of the 2016 presedential election, which very few political experts were able to do because their methodology did not take Sammy Sosa into account. We are going to keep isolating ourselves in the year 1998 until Judas Iscariot the Bird has been avenged. Until that day comes, Sammy Sosa will continue teaching us new life lessons every day at The Playhouse.
The passage of time does not affect The Playhouse; we have never left the summer of '98. We believe that so long as we maintain a social media presence that serves to educate the masses on the great science of Sosaology, we can drag the rest of the internet back to the 90s with us.
Do not laugh, do not mistake our mission statement as one of innocent whimsy. We are devoted to turn the entire Internet into a GeoCities site. Soon enough, your precious Reddits and your Twitters and your BadDragons will pierce your eyes with an animated background that is the same color as Sammy Sosa's iconic sweater, then you will look down at yourself to see you are wearing that very same mustard yellow sweater. You will wonder how it got onto your person as you cannot remember putting it on, and that is the mark of victory for The Playhouse. Once we take over the internet in the name of Sammy Sosa, we will take over reality. The lines of the real and digital world will no longer be distinct. The digital world is represented by the PS1 classic, Sammy Sosa High Heat Baseball. Remeber the tagline - IT'S SO REEEEEAAAL! Sammy Sosa is so real, and when The Playhouse is done with its mission, Sammy Sosa will be the only reality. You will love Sammy. You will live by the word of Sammy. You will be Sammy. We will all be Sammy Sosa. Yes, the real Sammy Sosa, and this is his universe.
