Sammy Sosa's Playhouse

What Really Happened

Written by Paul Hauss- July 30, 2017

The 2016 United States presidential election was full of many surprises at many different points in the eyes of many voters. In fact, many folks were even surprised when then-candidate Donald Trump so much as announced his candidacy. However, everyone here at the Playhouse knew exactly what was up from the get-go. For background, Sammy Sosa, in an infamous 2013 interview, stated that he would strongly consider becoming president of the Dominican Republic "if he was asked". Note that despite the DR being a constitutional democracy, Sammy implied that the way to become president would not be through an election, but through a mere insider request. This makes perfect sense, because once you hit 609 home runs, you gain the right to immediately become president no matter what. It has to be exactly 609 — no more, no less — with apologies to Jim Thome, who hit 612 home runs; Thome could have hit more, but he immediately regretted not stopping at 609 so hit the brakes.

Anyway, we all know every move Sammy makes is leading to him becoming Dominican president, but he will not stop at that position, he will #MakeTheDRGreatAgain, and make every country a part of the Dominican Republic. Even for someone like Sammy, that'd be a tough thing to achieve. He may be able to become Dominican president at will, but it'll take quite a lot of Flintstones Vitamins and maybe a corked government to take over the world. Luckily, Sammy has connections. Sammy is great friends with both the Clinton family and Donald Trump. Sammy was, of course, the guest of honor at Bill Clinton's 1999 State of the Union Address who was seated next to First Lady Hillary Clinton. Hillary, being an Illinois native and lifelong Cubs fan (until she was a lifelong Yankees fan! #WhichHillary), took a natural liking to Sammy and from there on out Sammy remained connected to the Clinton family, having been with the Clintons numerous times both post-Bill's presidency and post-Sosa's MLB career.

Sammy's also a noted good friend of Donald Trump. Sammy was seen constantly with the Donald in the height of SammyMania in the late 90s, and Sammy even caught Trump's first pitch at a Wrigley Field game in June of 2000. Sammy and Donald have never been seen together explicitly since Sammy's retirement from Major League Baseball, but Sammy has been a guest of honor at many Latin fashion shows held in Trump-owned buildings across the world, so we assume they keep in touch. Let's be real here, there's only one country in the world with enough bombs and enough imperialist presence in every country to reasonably take over the world if they wanted to, and that's the United States. Sammy may be ineligible to become the American president, but come on, the American Constitution begs for corruption! Tampering with the exact ballots may not be easy, but the powers that be can and do easily decide who gets to be on those ballots without the consent of the American people. As long as we're talking powers that be, why not six feet and two hundred twenty pounds of pure, steroided powers that be, and by "be", I mean hit the shit out of a ball onto Waveland Avenue.

Once it was apparent that both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump would be running for president, we all knew what Sammy was doing: he was orchestrating this thing. You may not be able to fuck with individual ballots, but as long as both candidates are Friends of Sammy (like Friends of Dorothy, but with more hair gel), Sammy would have no problem taking hold of all the imperials powers the United States has at its disposal to rule the world. And it worked.

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