Sammy Sosa's Playhouse

The Playhouse Staff

Paul Hauss - founder, senior editor
The first and only doctoral gradate of Trump University's doctoral program in Sosalogy, Paul Hauss is the lead write and senior editor of all the content at Sammy Sosa's Playhouse. His milestones include receiving a lifetime ban from Nationals Stadium after issuing threats to national security in response to the Nationals' 2006 decision not to sign Sammy Sosa and escaping from two separate mental hospitals.

Abe "Knuckleball" Schwartz - columnist

 A retired WWF New Generation wrestler, Abe "Knuckleball" Schwartz is convinced that Major League Baseball is scripted sports entertainment and everyone at Sammy Sosa's Playhouse thinks that is too funny to tell Abe that it isn't. We actually gave this fucking smark his own column.

Professor Ian Corkscrew - SASRmetrician
Once a distinguished math's professor at the University of Chicago, Professor Corkscrew lost his job after his Out of the Park Baseball addiction started to interfere with his teachings. This seasoned sabrmetrician specializes in identifying and isolating the advanced statistics which make Sammy Sosa look the best. Who says The Playhouse is behind the times?

Francine "The Fascionista" Fash - fashion columnist
Don't let the armband fool you, The Fascionista doesn't want to dissolve any parliaments or commit genocide against any ethnic groups, but she does hold aggressively strong opinions about sports uniforms that she advocates to be enforced with brutal violence.


Detroit Beisbol Cat Stevens - Video games journalist and transdimensional singer/songwriter

Detroit Beisbol Cat Stevens is a tiger who comes from an alternate dimension where the Philadelphia Phillies' 1984 attempt to draft an underage Sammy Sosa was not rejected, and where rock 'n' roll is performed by sentient felines. When he's not spreading messages of world peace through his roaring (literally) song lyrics, he's playing classic baseball video games via a modified Konami Laserscope.

Stone Cold Steve Stone - Chicago White Sox correspondent and reporter

Sharing a broadcasting booth with Harry Caray and Hawk Harrelson in his 30-year career forced Steve Stone to responsibly maintain his sobriety and keep his partners on track. Hawk's retirement in 2018 allowed the 1980 AL Cy Young winner to let loose and enjoy more adult beverages than he was ever allowed to. Little did anyone know that when Stone drinks one too many Steveweisers, he transforms into Stone Cold Steve Stone, a loudmouth rabblerouser with a hatred for authority. We never actually sought out Stone Cold Steve Stone to write for the Playhouse, but he kept sending White Sox reports to our door with threatening demands for their publications. We decided to bring him aboard, for safety obligations. You are now obligated to give us a Hell Yeah.

Steve Goatman - Chicago Cubs correspondent and reporter

The Billy Goat Curse cast a negative stigma over the oppressed race of Goat People for decades. This was especially horrific for the 600-year-old Steve Goatman, who has been a loyal Cubs fan ever since their White Stockings days. Forced into hiding after 1945, Steve continued to observe and keep scorecards of every Cubs game, as he has since 1876. The Cubs' victory in the 2016 World Series removed the stigma against Goat People and allowed the world's devoted Cubs fan to once again walk down Addison Street without fear of being discriminated against for his species. Now the only persecution Steve has to worry about is because of his religious devotion to Satanism. 

Jay the Gibbon - Baltimore Orioles reporter

Not to be confused with Baltimore Orioles fan-favorite Jay Gibbons, Jay is an actual gibbon who writes our Baltimore Orioles beat reports. Jay is a very smart ape who enjoys bananas, rubber tires, and sunflowers. While his ASL vocabulary nears one hundred words, most Orioles players do not speak sign language, so he fulfills the correspondent duties by carrying around a tablet, which one of the most dominant hitters of the 1990s and Jay's best friend, Albert Belle, broadcasts to from his prison cell. 

Jorge Bush - Texas Rangers correspondent and reporter

The Playhouse fired our original Texas Rangers correspondent, former Rangers owner and 43rd United States President George W. Bush, after he jumped on the Astros bandwagon in 2017. Flooded with unqualified candidates, the replacement search grew very tiring until the eventual choice appeared at our front door. Hailing from the Mexican city of Tejas, Jorge Bush knows everything about Rangers baseball. His jet black mustache contrasts with his white head of hair stylishly, and despite emigrating from Mexico, he has no trace of a Hispanic accent at all. We've never even heard him speak Spanish! If not for his abysmal English grammar and inability to pronounce "nuclear", you'd think he was born in Connecticut! The only problem with Jorge is all the debt he puts on our company credit card. Why does he think a baseball news site needs so much fucking oil anyway?