This is as black as
Sammy can possibly become. At this level of blackness, Sammy look
cool in any clothing, give speeches at local Black Panther Party
gatherings, and average 23.4 points in basketball. However, he must
avoid police officers by a two mile radius or else he will get shot.
||"Average African-American adult"
has no trace of white blood, but he prefers MLK to Malcolm X. He
frequently listens to hip hop, but only music released before 1995.
He can no longer shoot a sick fadeaway, but he has great basketball
fundamentals. White people call him "well-spoken", but a cop will
still shoot him if he drives ten miles over the speed limit.
||"Black, with some white habits"
can now be the token black friend to a Republican senator. He's still
black through and through, but he might straighten his hair or wear
green-blue contacts at this skin stage. He doesn't play basketball,
but watches March Madness. He knows the rules to golf and attends
rock concerts, but he doesn't have many black friends anymore. He
might secretely be in the very early stages of a Creme de Sosa cycle
at this point, but only if he is starting it after being fully
||"Recovering from Creme de Sosa"
Sammy after he has been white, but stops using Creme de Sosa for
about half a year. Some might confuse him for an Indian, but his
skin is almost as dark as it was in his playing days. He's not about
to flatten his hat's brim, but he has been getting back into Public
Despite neither of his
parents being white, Sammy looks biracial, but still black. It is
difficult to tell if he is in the early-mid stage of a Creme cycle
or if he has stopped using the Creme for a couple months. Neither a
white woman or a black woman can reist Sammy; he contemplates using
his green contacts but decides that would be cheating. He can be
openly proud of his blackness without fear of being shot by a police
officer, so long as he's not within a ten feet radius.
||"White, but very tan"
Sammy is unmistakably a primary white
man, but he is darker than your average well-tanned white guy. He
looks like he could have a black grandparent, but you might think
he's overcompensating once he starts reciting hip hop trivia to you.
White people get angry when he speaks Spanish, and are surprised if
he speaks English. You are not surprised to you see him get laid.
||"Definitely white, but still recognizably ethnic"
tan for a white guy, but no more so than your average
second-generation Mexican American. At this level of whiteness,
white people no longer act surprised when Sammy speaks English.
However, white people will continually begin conversations with
Sammy by asking him "where he is from." He listens to some salsa,
but mostly enjoys the Top 40. He still looks human. He might live in
the city and is fairly likely to become an Ethnic Studies professor,
but he'll move to the burbs after he settles down.
||"This Brotha is White"
Sammy is officially a scrappy gym rat,
a real blue-collar guy, and highly regrets not playing for the Red
Sox. There is no longer any indication that Sammy was ever black or
could have a degree of black ancestry. It is a surprise to learn he
is even hispanic. He once got caught speeding at this stage and got
off with a warning. He has never heard of Charleston Chew and can't
conceive smoking menthols. He listens to U2 and enjoys them. It is
difficult to imagine him getting laid on physical attractiveness
alone, but you never know, he could have a nice personality or a
good job. He has never lived outside a suburb. He once called the
police to report a black pedestrian, who was later shot. He feels
guilty, but still locks his car doors upon seeing black youth.
||"An Actual Vampire"
Sammy is no longer seen him outside in the
daytime. He listens only to classical music and Scandinavian
symphonic metal, and he suddenly knows how to play piano. He can
solve calculus in his head and is an expert in bat biology. You
can't stand to look at him, yet he somehow has fucked every goth
girl you've ever fancied. He lives in an Eastern European country
you've never heard of.
||"Literally Michael Jackson"
No, seriously, the hat and
sunglasses are not photoshopped; that's what Sammy actually wears at
this stage. He is never seen in daylight without protective
clothing. He makes his own children wear masks in public, while you
make your children hide in his presence. Sammy at maximum blackness
was a pretty good dancer, but Sammy can somehow dance better in this
stage, with even more outlandish clothing choices to boot. He barely
resembles a human, yet teenage girls idolize him. He has a fucking amusment
park in his backyard and owns the rights to the entire
Beatles discography. Was this the goal all along?