Pokemon Black Version & Pokemon White Version
Written by Paul Hauss - February 26, 2016
We here at Sammy Sosa's Playhouse may be fixated on the misadventures of someone who hasn't been relevant since the the 1990s, but that won't stop us from being topical. Yes, today's announcement(?) of Pokemon Sun and Pokemon Moon has provided us with the perfect opportunity to address the pink elephant in the Sammy Sosa-themed room. We specify a pink pigmentation because we assume that, at some point, Sammy Sosa will have a pink pigmentation. [July 2017 Update:we fucking predicted it]That's right, pearls and jams, it's time for the inaugural edition of Sammy Sosa's Dynamic Skin Spectacular!
Sammy Sosa shocked the world in 2009 when he showed up to the Latin Grammys(for some reason) and was suddenly white. The immediate frame of reference in the collective cultural zeitgeist when it comes to skin bleaching is Michael Jackson, but while the King of Pop permanently bleached his pigmentation through medical procedure, the Dominican Republic's favorite son was using a "skin-rejuvenation cream" that bleaches your skin as a side effect. If you think that sounds sketchy, don't worry, that's because it absolutely is sketchy as fuck and there is comically little medical information on Creme de Sosa. That's not the interesting part, though. When Sammy Sosa stops using the cream for a little while, his skin returns to his original dark pigmentation. Thus starts one of Sammy Sosa's most confusing traits: his tendency to change skin color.
The skin is the largest organ in the human anatomy, and while nobody at Sammy Sosa's Playhouse holds a dermatology degree, we have all come to the consensus that there is no chance in hell that Sammy's constant drastic changes in his skin color is healthy. Still, though, we can't help but love him for it and find this to be just one of many endearing eccentricities of Sammy Sosa. The Playhouse likes to believe that Creme de Sosa isn't even in use by our hero at this point and he just changes race at will, perhaps by mood. It's become something of a game among the Sosalogists, Sosalists, and Sosalites to guess what his skin color will be in his next appearance. Sammy Sosa is a charmingly unpredictable man; just like there's no way to foresee when he will suddenly raid a mansion in Dubai with the Dominican mafia, one never knows when he'll spontaneously change race.
Dermatologists hate him, but Sammy Sosa's one weird trick to change race is such a physical representation of the absurdity that is his daily existence that we cannot help but to encourage his charming self-destruction.