Leather Pants
Written by Paul Hauss- August 31, 2017
At what point in an adult's life to they look inside
their wardrobe and think, "leather pants are a necessary
addition to my clothing collection".
Ever since Sammy decided to don the cattle skin over his pallid skin, the Playhouse have dedicated many a night attempting to determine what drives a man, specifically a middle-aged Dominican man with 600 home runs and multiple Panasonic 3DO-developed video games to his namesake,to wear leather pants.
Clearly, no prude would ever make such a drastic life choice. If any 90s baseball alumnus would ever wear leather pants, of course it would be Sammy Sosa. Mark McGwire's too middle-class, too apple pie to think society's norms against leather pants need to be challenged, while Alex Rodriguez is too calculated to ever risk challenging those norms even if he thought it ought to be done. Greg Maddux wholeheartedly believes it is necessary for leather pants to be worn, but his whole endgame relies on preventing any opposition from ever considering that he holds such knowledge. Frank Thomas has a staunch opposition to leather pants due to his dedicated work ethic; he got to where he is today not because of leather pants, but because of pure blood, sweat, and tears, and he'll be damned if he starts wearing leather pants now. Ken Griffey Jr. is so effortlessly cool, that he probably doesn't even know that leather pants exist; why watch a Judas Priest music video when you yourself embody the pure coolness of Judas Priest without even trying?
Sammy, on the other hand, is obviously hell bent for leather. Sammy used to watch Mark McGwire hit batting practice in childlike awe, and it was from that moment forward that he invested in [FLINTSTONES VITAMINS] such that he too could hit such majestic dongs as Big Mac. He's a very impressionable person. We know from his iconic Boom Box and his creamy appearances at each annual Latin Grammy's ceremony that Sammy is something of a music fan. Sammy is also a noted aficionado of foreign cultures other than his own. He's a superstar of America's past time, after all, and there's a reason why he excelled as a diplomat for the Dominican government during his year off from baseball in 2006. He also went all out in his birthday spent in Dubai two years ago, fully embracing the culture in his Arabian adventures. Sammy lives for this shit.
So it's 1990 and you're a young Sammy Sosa. It's just your second year in American sports, you barely speak any English, but you take a great interest in the environment around you. It's the 90s and you have a jheri curl, so you know you want to be cool. How do you find out what's cool, well, you turn on MTV. Upon turning on MTV, you are greeted with Judas Priest's Painkiller. Not only was the Painkiller album Priest's return to glory in terms of musical quality, it was faster and heavier, and therefore cooler than anything they've ever done. Someone like Sammy Sosa would take note of that. I don't know if Sammy became a metal head, but I do know that from that point forward, there was a part of his brain which wanted to be cool, and there was another part of his brain which held on to the memory of Painkiller. If you want to be cool and you're willing to take external help to get what you want, there's only one natural course of action that will take place.
Leather pants.
Ever since Sammy decided to don the cattle skin over his pallid skin, the Playhouse have dedicated many a night attempting to determine what drives a man, specifically a middle-aged Dominican man with 600 home runs and multiple Panasonic 3DO-developed video games to his namesake,to wear leather pants.
Clearly, no prude would ever make such a drastic life choice. If any 90s baseball alumnus would ever wear leather pants, of course it would be Sammy Sosa. Mark McGwire's too middle-class, too apple pie to think society's norms against leather pants need to be challenged, while Alex Rodriguez is too calculated to ever risk challenging those norms even if he thought it ought to be done. Greg Maddux wholeheartedly believes it is necessary for leather pants to be worn, but his whole endgame relies on preventing any opposition from ever considering that he holds such knowledge. Frank Thomas has a staunch opposition to leather pants due to his dedicated work ethic; he got to where he is today not because of leather pants, but because of pure blood, sweat, and tears, and he'll be damned if he starts wearing leather pants now. Ken Griffey Jr. is so effortlessly cool, that he probably doesn't even know that leather pants exist; why watch a Judas Priest music video when you yourself embody the pure coolness of Judas Priest without even trying?
Sammy, on the other hand, is obviously hell bent for leather. Sammy used to watch Mark McGwire hit batting practice in childlike awe, and it was from that moment forward that he invested in [FLINTSTONES VITAMINS] such that he too could hit such majestic dongs as Big Mac. He's a very impressionable person. We know from his iconic Boom Box and his creamy appearances at each annual Latin Grammy's ceremony that Sammy is something of a music fan. Sammy is also a noted aficionado of foreign cultures other than his own. He's a superstar of America's past time, after all, and there's a reason why he excelled as a diplomat for the Dominican government during his year off from baseball in 2006. He also went all out in his birthday spent in Dubai two years ago, fully embracing the culture in his Arabian adventures. Sammy lives for this shit.
So it's 1990 and you're a young Sammy Sosa. It's just your second year in American sports, you barely speak any English, but you take a great interest in the environment around you. It's the 90s and you have a jheri curl, so you know you want to be cool. How do you find out what's cool, well, you turn on MTV. Upon turning on MTV, you are greeted with Judas Priest's Painkiller. Not only was the Painkiller album Priest's return to glory in terms of musical quality, it was faster and heavier, and therefore cooler than anything they've ever done. Someone like Sammy Sosa would take note of that. I don't know if Sammy became a metal head, but I do know that from that point forward, there was a part of his brain which wanted to be cool, and there was another part of his brain which held on to the memory of Painkiller. If you want to be cool and you're willing to take external help to get what you want, there's only one natural course of action that will take place.
Leather pants.
