Sammy Sosa's Playhouse

Why Sammy Sosa is the most interesting player in MLB history:
A Brief Summary

Written by Paul Hauss - January 30, 2017

Was a diplomat for the Dominican government during his year off from baseball. Has an avant-garde social media career consisting of extremely high-resolution pictures of himself striking power poses and pointing at various objects/thin air in a mustard yellow sweater. Changes skin color regularly due to a sketchy "skin rejuvenation" cream. Has an animated biopic. Pretended to forget English while testifying before Congress. Congress passed a resolution to honor him as a national hero exactly one week before the corked bat incident. Claimed to have grown his muscles from Flintstones Vitamins. Continues to try making "Mr. 609" become a thing. That fucking boombox. Runs a business that produces needle-less injectors; may or may not realize the irony of it (I'd like to think he does it exclusively because of the irony). Has been seen with Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, on multiple occasions, and once with Barack Obama for reasons unknown; George W. Bush considers trading Sammy to be his biggest regret. Was sold as a slave to a child in a McDonald's commercial. Once tweeted "Tell the world that #sammysback ! Let's get it going!" with absolutley no context whatsoever. Was in a Keanu Reeves movie, was also in a Lance Bass movie. Was insulted when an interviewer asked if he might want to become a baseball coach; Sammy proceeded to point out he has considered becoming Dominican president in the same interview. Had cornrows at one point.