Greatest Baseball Card Ever
Written by Paul Hauss- July 21, 2017
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Here it is, pearls and jams, the greatest baseball card ever
printed. We here at the Playhouse have so many copies of
this card that it's our official currency, and when Sammy
finally becomes Dominican president as he indicated was his
intention in one interview several years ago (we're not
making that up), we can be sure that the DR will follow
suit.
This card is so dense, as one associate of George Lucas might say, there is so much going on here. Why is Sammy staring so intensely at the ball? Is he wondering what it is, is he sexually attracted to it, or Is he just doing a Hamlet thing with the ball? Why is his hat on sideways? Why is it a throwback uniform? Prior to the Pinterest, this may have been our favorite piece of Sammy Sosa paraphernalia.
Of course, we'd not be doing the lore of this card justice without talking about the dating profile. See, not all great Sammy Sosa material online comes from the Playhouse, and #SammyOnTinder was not the first attempt to showcase Sammy's world wide web swinging. The excellent blog Baseball Card Bust showcases oddities in baseball card history, and of course they had to highlight this gem. The created a fictitious (as opposed to #SammyOnTinder, which is actually Sammy Sosa. Yes, the real Sammy Sosa) dating profile as if this was his avatar on it. We'll just copy/paste the whole thing for you.
Name: Sammy Sosa
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Libido
Key 1990 stat: Almost had a mustache
Sammy Sosa's dating profile, circa 1991:
Screen name: Slammy21 [PLAYHOUSE NOTE: Sammy wore 25 on the Sox]
Age: 23
Height: 6' 0" (6' 2" if you count the Jheri curl)
Weight: 155, though I've been looking into supplements
Hair: Curly and fabulous
Ethnicity: South Side
Religious views: Jobu
Marital status: Hoping to go from single to double
Want children? My mother says I do
Best feature: Old-timey uniform
Smoke? I prefer injections
Drink? Soul Glo, once, by accident
Seeking: A baseball
Location: In my hand
Her body type: Round
Her ethnicity: White
Her best feature: Seams
About me: Are you a baseball? If so, I wish to show you the Dominican caress. I wish to hold you in my palm, rub your soft, white leather, tilt my hat sideways and stare seductively into your seams. I wish to make you sweet promises about how we will melt into one another and how my mustache will someday fill in. I wish to dress as though it is 1913 and take you for a carriage ride, after which I will ask your equipment manager for permission to wed you. I wish for you, baseball. I wish for you.
What a fucking great piece of internet right there. When we launched #SammyOnTinder, we (er, I mean SAMMY) desperately considered using that about me verbatim as the description, but instead settled with including the picture from the card as one of Sammy's Tinder photos. That was in the first season of #SammyOnTinder, and it has since been replaced with a Pink Fedora pic, because who can resist a pink fedora?
#WeArePerfectlyAwareOfTheFactThatTheSameHashtagWontWorkMultipleTimes #ItsJustThat#SammyOnTinder#IsTheFullCanonicalTitle #WeAreAlsoAwareThatHashtagsDontWorkInsideOfOtherHashtags #DontJudgeUs #FuckAaronJudge
This card is so dense, as one associate of George Lucas might say, there is so much going on here. Why is Sammy staring so intensely at the ball? Is he wondering what it is, is he sexually attracted to it, or Is he just doing a Hamlet thing with the ball? Why is his hat on sideways? Why is it a throwback uniform? Prior to the Pinterest, this may have been our favorite piece of Sammy Sosa paraphernalia.
Of course, we'd not be doing the lore of this card justice without talking about the dating profile. See, not all great Sammy Sosa material online comes from the Playhouse, and #SammyOnTinder was not the first attempt to showcase Sammy's world wide web swinging. The excellent blog Baseball Card Bust showcases oddities in baseball card history, and of course they had to highlight this gem. The created a fictitious (as opposed to #SammyOnTinder, which is actually Sammy Sosa. Yes, the real Sammy Sosa) dating profile as if this was his avatar on it. We'll just copy/paste the whole thing for you.
Name: Sammy Sosa
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Libido
Key 1990 stat: Almost had a mustache
Sammy Sosa's dating profile, circa 1991:
Screen name: Slammy21 [PLAYHOUSE NOTE: Sammy wore 25 on the Sox]
Age: 23
Height: 6' 0" (6' 2" if you count the Jheri curl)
Weight: 155, though I've been looking into supplements
Hair: Curly and fabulous
Ethnicity: South Side
Religious views: Jobu
Marital status: Hoping to go from single to double
Want children? My mother says I do
Best feature: Old-timey uniform
Smoke? I prefer injections
Drink? Soul Glo, once, by accident
Seeking: A baseball
Location: In my hand
Her body type: Round
Her ethnicity: White
Her best feature: Seams
About me: Are you a baseball? If so, I wish to show you the Dominican caress. I wish to hold you in my palm, rub your soft, white leather, tilt my hat sideways and stare seductively into your seams. I wish to make you sweet promises about how we will melt into one another and how my mustache will someday fill in. I wish to dress as though it is 1913 and take you for a carriage ride, after which I will ask your equipment manager for permission to wed you. I wish for you, baseball. I wish for you.
What a fucking great piece of internet right there. When we launched #SammyOnTinder, we (er, I mean SAMMY) desperately considered using that about me verbatim as the description, but instead settled with including the picture from the card as one of Sammy's Tinder photos. That was in the first season of #SammyOnTinder, and it has since been replaced with a Pink Fedora pic, because who can resist a pink fedora?
#WeArePerfectlyAwareOfTheFactThatTheSameHashtagWontWorkMultipleTimes #ItsJustThat#SammyOnTinder#IsTheFullCanonicalTitle #WeAreAlsoAwareThatHashtagsDontWorkInsideOfOtherHashtags #DontJudgeUs #FuckAaronJudge
