Most people have heard the phrase, "never meet your
heroes". The meaning of the idiom, for those not in the
know, is that when you idolize someone from afar whom you
don't actually know, you're doing a lot of projection as to
what they are like in your mind, so actually meeting them
will inevitably bring forth the revelation they're not like
you thought, and they may actually be everything you thought
they weren't. It's like all those people who idolized Bill
Cosby only to find out he is actually a rapist. Or all those
people who idolized Woody Allen only to find out he is
actually a rapist. Or all those people who idolized Roman
Polanski only to find out he is actually a rapist. Or all
those people who post on NeoGAF and are actually rapists.
What we're saying is, please get away from us, because
you're probably a rapist.
What we're also saying is,
it's sometimes tough to reconcile certain preferably aspects
of a person with those aspects which drew you to them. The
Playhouse has more experience making these reconciliations
than we would ever wish on our worst enemies. You get off
this time, Bud Selig.
The 1990s were all about cool.
GRUNGE MUSIC! BLAST PROCESSING! EXTREME SPORTS! NON-EXTREME
SPORTS BEING PLAYED BY MEN INFESTED WITH EXTREME QUANTITIES
OF STEROIDS! It was rad, but you know what wasn't rad?
Barney the Dinosaur.
Barney was the antithesis of
everything we believed in the 90s. Barney was a dinosaur
from our imagination, but it was the part of our imagination
that was instilled in our collective consciousness as a
punishment for Eve taking a bite out of that forbidden tree.
That's what I learned through my intelligent design-based
biology curriculum anyway. Barney was lame and puritan. He
promoted boring kids stuff like "love" and "sharing" and
"friendship". Friendship? It's the 90s, bitch, the only
friendship is in Mortal Kombat II.
It became a rite
of passage, a regular activity to fucking hate Barney the
fucking dinosaur with a passion. Holiday ditties were
lyrically altered to be sang "joy to the world, Barney is
dead, we shot him in the head", many GeoCities pages were
dedicated to grotesque doodles of Barney being brutally
mutilated, and so on. Us sports fans rejoiced in watching
Charles Barkely beat up and dunk on Barney on Saturday Night
Live, when it was still quality television.
Barney was also a #FriendOfSammy.
It was difficult
for us Sosalogists to wear our Yellow Sweaters on the
Playground at the same time Barney was hanging out with
Sammy in the Wrigley Field dugout, for more reasons than the
fact that Sammy Sosa would not yet be associated with yellow
sweaters for close to two decades. How could anyone possibly
argue that Sammy Sosa was cooler than Mo Vaughn when it was
Sammy that was shaking hands with Barney?
shed over our math notebook doodles of Barney's decapitated
head as we attempted to justify how Sammy Sosa, yes, the
real Sammy Sosa, could dare to be seen with the
personification of everything we hated. It was at that point
we realized Sammy was playing the long con.
scrappy infielder can publicly denounce Barney from a
distance, but it takes a true slugger to meet him face to
face in the name of sabotage. You can't kill Barney
overnight. It's a process. You need a transition stage where
Barney can survive in tandem with the conditions around him,
until those surrounding material conditions evolve to the
point that Barney will naturally be redundant and the world
can rise up to put Barney to justice. Sammy Sosa isn't a
utopian; he gets shit done. The Playhouse could see this.
This is why we bought into Barney Decapitation with Dominican
And when's the last time you heard
of Barney? Exactly.