The White Sox Sammy Sosa Action Figure
Written by Paul Hauss- July 18, 2017
The 90s were a special time where baseball became akin to professional
wrestling and the players became superhero-like figures in their
media personas and their tire-sized biceps which were totally not
influenced by any illicit substances whatsoever. Like, literal
figures. They started making action figures based on these dudes.
Sammy Sosa was quite the exciting personality from his extreme
hitting power to his energetic antics and, combined with his
international popularity, it was only natural that Sammy was one of
the MLB's leaders in the wAFA+ statistic (weighted action figures
average, calculated). Seen here is one of his many action figures.
Wait, they made fucking Sammy Sosa White Sox figure?
Okay, there were like fifty billion Sammy Sosa figures
during his Cubs days. Why not? It was Sammymania, he was one of the
best and most popular players on the planet. They kept making Sammy
figures when he was with the Baltimore Orioles and his 07 reunion
with the Texas Rangers, and while we wasn't nearly as good of a
player as he was with the Cubs, he was still a household name who
could put asses in the ballpark seats. But why did they make a
figure for him on the White Sox?As much as we
love the jheri-curled bastard, he wasn't that good on the Sox. Sammy
on the Sox was sort of like Javy Baez but without the gold glove
fielding. He had the same exhaustingly hard swing he had in his
prime, except he made a lot less contact, like so much less contact
that his strikeout numbers were honestly sort of impressive. Sammy
stole a lot of bases, but he also got caught stealing a lot. He was
a hyped-up prospect who was struggling at the time, which frustrated
many Sox fans even more than kindergartner wearing a Cubs hat being
featured on television would frustrate a Sox fan.
Maybe Jerry Reinsdorf subscribed deeply to the premise behind
our spotlight on the "Sam Sosa" baseball card. Jerry probably
figured, hey, with a name like "Sammy Sosa", who wouldn't buy this
figurine? Maybe he looked at Sammy's jheri curl and knew that any
man who could rock that 'do would surely become the centerpiece of a
maniacal nostalgist's absurdist humor Facebook page thirty years in
the future. Wait a minute. The action figure
doesn't even feature Sammy's jheri curl? WHAT THE FUCK, REINSDORF?
NO WONDER PHIL JACKSON HATED YOU. YOU'RE EVEN MORE
INCOMPETENT THAN DERRICK ROSE'S ABILITY TO SPELL INCOMPETENT. BILL
VEECK CARED MORE ABOUT CREATING A SELF-RESPECTING BALLCLUB THAN YOUR
CHEAP ASS. YOU'RE THE REASON THAT FRANK THOMAS NEVER GOT TO PLAY IN
THE WORLD SERIES. MINNIE MINOSO DIDN'T DIE FOR THIS.